You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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