after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
