now i know why i became what i already was.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
