the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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