matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
