Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
