So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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