Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
