party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
