Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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