You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize