Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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