I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
