When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
