you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
