My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
