Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
