I would go down on you faster than GM stock
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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