Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
