When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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