I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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