I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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