He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize