you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
