I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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