If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
