There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
