"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
