I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
