i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
