on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
