True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
