she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
im on a boat
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