I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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