the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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