I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
