i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
