All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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