he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
