I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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