hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
whose ass print is on the piano?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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