I wish I could teleport
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
