Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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