the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
