There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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