im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
