We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
