i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize