you guys were way drunker than both of me
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
