Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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