We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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