did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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