and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
