I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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