i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
