I bet he comes in French.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
