These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
