Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
